Why Am I At Film Festivals When We Have Microaggressions At Home

I always knew film festivals seemed like something I would like to get involved with. I was a pretentious child who probably loved movies even more than I do now. So, I watched a lot of IFC and The Sundance Channel whenever we had premium cable as a kid. I watched indie movies that I didn’t fully understand, and I knew this cinema business seemed to be fun on a bunch of levels I hadn’t explored yet. Finding out about the Sundance Film Festival is what cemented my talent crush on the late Robert Redford. It seemed like the place for aspiring cinephiles like me in the early 2000’s. Watching all of these actors and filmmakers pop up somewhere they celebrated the weird, the fringe, the punk, and the cool made me jealous. I wanted to see more movies, and I wanted to see them in a festival setting. 

I Digress…

Having the money to attend Sundance virtually in 2021 felt full circle. Did I love most of the horror movies that I saw that year? No. Was attending the fest from my bedroom while wearing pjs and wondering if we’ll ever get a vaccine ideal? Hell no. Did I still have a great time, and for one weekend forget I was stuck in Indiana at a job I knew I would be quitting any day? You betcha! That is why I jumped at the chance to attend my first in-person festival later that year. I jumped at it so fast that I didn’t ask important questions and ended up living off of free snacks from concessions, as I explained to the people who ran it that the alleged editor who sent me kind of screwed me over. 

How I Started Living My Fest Life

FilmQuest became my home for a couple of years. I met so many filmmakers whom I adore and bother quite often now. I also learned a lot about covering a festival. More importantly, I learned that I like watching indie movies, listening to indie filmmakers talk about their projects, and that I loved film festivals more than I thought I would. There is a certain high that comes from running on small cups of coffee, candy, and new friendships. There is also something calming about spending the day in a dark theater and leaving your problems outside.

I’m not the biggest fan of Utah, and the festival no longer fits in my schedule, but it showed me I’m happier at film festivals. That first FilmQuest kicked off what can only be described as a compulsive need to do as many festivals as possible. This led to a few cons, and I have fun because I go with friends, but I prefer festivals. Is this a costly habit? My credit cards are screaming. Are most of these spaces as inclusive as they claim to be? Of course not. However, I cannot stop and have a hard time staying stationary now. I find myself counting the days until my next festival. I even get a little depressed when I bully myself into sitting one out for logistical reasons. If two fests happen at the same time, I get upset that I cannot clone myself.

I Can’t Stop Now

I never feel cooler than when I am standing in a place I have no business being in. A place that in previous times would have set off my imposter syndrome. Do I wish more WOC were in these places? Fuck yes. That’s one of my biggest gripes about these spaces that I cannot seem to quit. I started sharing my location with a few friends when we started to wonder if we were the only Black people in the small town where one of the smaller festivals takes place. Aside from feeling like tokens who went into debt to be in some of these places, the lack of POC critics leads to uneven reviews. However, these festivals are not accessible to many people who look like me. My festival attendance was basically sponsored by Klarna and spite last year.

Active Bitch Face In White Spaces

I have watched people almost touch my friend’s hair. People have looked at the Girl, That’s Scary poster with their faces on it and still “mistaken” me for one of the hosts. I have watched white rideshare drivers mansplain what Alma’s (my co-EIC) name means to her in Spanish. We laugh about these things, but each one is like a big piss in my lemonade. Maybe on some level, I think my active bitch face will prevent some of these infractions from happening again. Or maybe it’s my spiteful streak wanting to be in the room where the new racism happens. I really don’t know why I do this to myself so often when I know we have microaggressions at home. I wish I had an answer. 

Horror movies aren’t kind to Black women, so it stands to reason that most of these spaces aren’t safe for us. Even the cons for Black folks will go out of their way to disrespect a grieving Black woman who attended to celebrate her brother’s legacy. While also trying to embarrass (unpaid) panelists in the lobby by accusing them of stealing. So, to be completely honest, it’s hard out here. However, I am lucky enough that I made friends with people while we were all under quarantine and chronically online. 

I Love the People in My Phone

The people in my phone (a phrase I started abusing after reading a Fangoria Terror Teletype last year) became my people. They became friends, cohosts, collaborators, and in some cases, practically family (complimentary). We have seen most of the same movies, even if we don’t agree on all of them. We have a collective sense of giving back to a community and a dedication to making good stuff. Whether that be movies, comics, podcasts, or reviews, there is a drive to make horror accessible and fun. We don’t just talk about wanting to see fest spaces and movies become more inclusive to resemble the actual world we live in. We put our time and energy where our mouths are and upset the internet quite often.

So, trying to spend the whole year in festivals wasn’t always part of the plan. I always assumed I would save up and do one just to cross it off my bucket list. However, I never suspected as a kid that I would make going to them my work. I also never imagined I would get to go to mostly to see movies in my favorite genre.

I dreamed big as a kid and always wanted to know more about people who get paid to watch TV and film. Yet, I never thought that could be me because the lack of representation made it hard to picture that. Even though I loved recommending movies, creating marathons based on a connecting theme, and dissociating in front of the TV. I am happy I ended up here (most days) and think it’s probably the best fit for me as I continue my endless campaign to write for television.