Scary Movie 5 has the honor of being the worst entry in the franchise. So, looking at the glass as half full, things can only go up from here. This mess was directed by Malcolm D. Lee (Undercover Brother) and written by Pat Proft and David Zucker. A new director couldn’t save it, and moving Zucker to the writing team did not help any of the issues plaguing the franchise. If anything, this was as effective as moving lawn furniture around during a natural disaster.
They do away with the idea that anyone has seen any of the movies being riffed on. This feels akin to being bombarded with an array of skits before the MTV Movie Awards in the early aughts. There is no skill or substance, as it feels like headlines and titles were pulled out of a hat and randomly inserted. Whatever your least favorite Scary Movie was before this, now it looks like your favorite Scorsese film.
We Begin
Charlie Sanders (Charlie Sheen) is making a sex tape with Lindsay Lohan (playing a version of herself). This nod at both of their real-life shenanigans sets up Scary Movie 5 for some Paranormal Activity references that never land. On the whole, this installment wants you to know it’s aware of what’s popular. However, they’re just ultimately going to point at it as they do something unfunny. After supernatural forces kill Charlie and Lindsay, we find out that Charlie’s three kids are missing.
The kids are found in a random section where Ja’Marcus (Snoop Dogg) and D’Andre (Mac Miller) wander the “spooky ass woods.” Their conversation about getting shampoo in peeholes while seeking weed is interrupted by the feral children. Charlie’s brother, Dan (Simon Rex), and Dan’s wife, Jody (Ashley Tisdale), become the legal guardians of the children. They are forced to move into a home filled with security cameras to allow more Paranormal Activity hijinks.
Jody also decides to bond with the children by auditioning for Swan Lake just to cross off some Black Swan references and give Molly Shannon screen time. This also allows Scary Movie 5 to throw in a little eating disorder humor. They also pull off what is possibly the most tasteless lesbian sex scene I’ve had to endure in a while. Mostly because they run the alleged jokes into the ground so you can continue not laughing. This is not even elementary school bully humor anymore. I’m not even sure these are gags so much as dudes playing Mad Libs with Final Draft.
I’m Speechless
Some other film homages Scary Movie 5 pulls from the zeitgeist this time include Inception, Mama, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Evil Dead, and The Cabin in the Woods. This entry makes all the movies it pulls from look so much better that I now appreciate even the ones I don’t particularly care for. It’s easy to see why this was the last straw for this franchise for so long. It is literally the wettest fart in the fart bouquet that is this series.
By the time Blaine Fulda (Katt Williams) appeared to cross off an Insidious nod, I was wondering if I even liked movies anymore. I was starting to gaslight myself into thinking I’m the problem. Clearly, nothing this bad could be greenlit and put in theaters in any type of civilized society. From the Tyler Perry impersonator to another Mike Tyson moment, none of this could be real.
However, this nightmare really got made, and I, for some reason, was watching it. This is what I get for wanting to know what came before as I head to the cinema and review the newest movie. I did my job, and I suffered for it. Unlike the first two films, there was absolutely nothing remotely smart to take away from this. Unfortunately, like the two that lead into this one, it proves that any dick joke can find an audience. Ain’t that America?
In Conclusion
Each Scary Movie has really been worse than the one that came before it. So, my ranking is very clear. I was hoping to be wrong about this series because I love eating crow if it means I find good stuff. Sadly, no crows were eaten as my patience was repeatedly tested. I look forward to apologizing to people who told me Scary Movie 2 was the last “good” entry. Out of naivete, I called them liars because I did not know what awaited me. I sincerely thought that would be the worst thing to happen during hellish assignment. If only I could go back and tap out at Scary Movie 3 because at least I could say that was a mess on a mission. I don’t think I could start a drug habit strong enough that would help me find anything nice to say about Scary Movie 4. Although I must shockingly admit it’s better than Scary Movie 5.
Now that the bar is underneath hell, I’m mentally preparing to see what awaits me at the theater. Today is the day I see the newest Scary Movie. I’m armed with the belief that it cannot be worse than what came before it, though. Maybe now that I’ve crawled through the dumpster fire to the end of this journey, I might even find something to laugh at. All I know is, I’m expecting something smarter because the Wayans are fully adults now and back at the helm. Marlon Wayans himself has had to fight transphobes online while sticking up for his kid. Surely, this dynasty isn’t coming back to keep punching down and telling jokes beneath them. If that’s the plan, then what are we doing?
Scary Movie 5 Review // It Couldn’t Be Worse
Scary Movie 5 has the honor of being the worst entry in the franchise. So, looking at the glass as half full, things can only go up from here. This mess was directed by Malcolm D. Lee (Undercover Brother) and written by Pat Proft and David Zucker. A new director couldn’t save it, and moving Zucker to the writing team did not help any of the issues plaguing the franchise. If anything, this was as effective as moving lawn furniture around during a natural disaster.
They do away with the idea that anyone has seen any of the movies being riffed on. This feels akin to being bombarded with an array of skits before the MTV Movie Awards in the early aughts. There is no skill or substance, as it feels like headlines and titles were pulled out of a hat and randomly inserted. Whatever your least favorite Scary Movie was before this, now it looks like your favorite Scorsese film.
We Begin
Charlie Sanders (Charlie Sheen) is making a sex tape with Lindsay Lohan (playing a version of herself). This nod at both of their real-life shenanigans sets up Scary Movie 5 for some Paranormal Activity references that never land. On the whole, this installment wants you to know it’s aware of what’s popular. However, they’re just ultimately going to point at it as they do something unfunny. After supernatural forces kill Charlie and Lindsay, we find out that Charlie’s three kids are missing.
The kids are found in a random section where Ja’Marcus (Snoop Dogg) and D’Andre (Mac Miller) wander the “spooky ass woods.” Their conversation about getting shampoo in peeholes while seeking weed is interrupted by the feral children. Charlie’s brother, Dan (Simon Rex), and Dan’s wife, Jody (Ashley Tisdale), become the legal guardians of the children. They are forced to move into a home filled with security cameras to allow more Paranormal Activity hijinks.
Jody also decides to bond with the children by auditioning for Swan Lake just to cross off some Black Swan references and give Molly Shannon screen time. This also allows Scary Movie 5 to throw in a little eating disorder humor. They also pull off what is possibly the most tasteless lesbian sex scene I’ve had to endure in a while. Mostly because they run the alleged jokes into the ground so you can continue not laughing. This is not even elementary school bully humor anymore. I’m not even sure these are gags so much as dudes playing Mad Libs with Final Draft.
I’m Speechless
Some other film homages Scary Movie 5 pulls from the zeitgeist this time include Inception, Mama, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Evil Dead, and The Cabin in the Woods. This entry makes all the movies it pulls from look so much better that I now appreciate even the ones I don’t particularly care for. It’s easy to see why this was the last straw for this franchise for so long. It is literally the wettest fart in the fart bouquet that is this series.
By the time Blaine Fulda (Katt Williams) appeared to cross off an Insidious nod, I was wondering if I even liked movies anymore. I was starting to gaslight myself into thinking I’m the problem. Clearly, nothing this bad could be greenlit and put in theaters in any type of civilized society. From the Tyler Perry impersonator to another Mike Tyson moment, none of this could be real.
However, this nightmare really got made, and I, for some reason, was watching it. This is what I get for wanting to know what came before as I head to the cinema and review the newest movie. I did my job, and I suffered for it. Unlike the first two films, there was absolutely nothing remotely smart to take away from this. Unfortunately, like the two that lead into this one, it proves that any dick joke can find an audience. Ain’t that America?
In Conclusion
Each Scary Movie has really been worse than the one that came before it. So, my ranking is very clear. I was hoping to be wrong about this series because I love eating crow if it means I find good stuff. Sadly, no crows were eaten as my patience was repeatedly tested. I look forward to apologizing to people who told me Scary Movie 2 was the last “good” entry. Out of naivete, I called them liars because I did not know what awaited me. I sincerely thought that would be the worst thing to happen during hellish assignment. If only I could go back and tap out at Scary Movie 3 because at least I could say that was a mess on a mission. I don’t think I could start a drug habit strong enough that would help me find anything nice to say about Scary Movie 4. Although I must shockingly admit it’s better than Scary Movie 5.
Now that the bar is underneath hell, I’m mentally preparing to see what awaits me at the theater. Today is the day I see the newest Scary Movie. I’m armed with the belief that it cannot be worse than what came before it, though. Maybe now that I’ve crawled through the dumpster fire to the end of this journey, I might even find something to laugh at. All I know is, I’m expecting something smarter because the Wayans are fully adults now and back at the helm. Marlon Wayans himself has had to fight transphobes online while sticking up for his kid. Surely, this dynasty isn’t coming back to keep punching down and telling jokes beneath them. If that’s the plan, then what are we doing?
Miss Sharai Bohannon
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